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How
to Plan a Memorial Service.
Among
the many issues at hand when a loved one dies there are two important
ones to decide: planning for the timely disposition of the body and
commemorating the life that was lived. When you can separate those two
activities, you have a great many more options, both in kind and in
cost.
A "funeral"
service is with the body present and is usually planned within a few
days of death, sometimes in great haste. A "memorial" service
(without the body) can be delayed as long as you want, to meet the convenience
or needs of the family. Perhaps it makes sense to have the service at
the summer home of the deceased when all were planning to gather anyway.
Scheduling the event in two or three weeks lets out-of-town guests take
advantage of the 14-day advance booking discount on airline tickets.
Or perhaps you will want to wait for the survivor of a car crash to
get out of the hospital. By not feeling pressured to have a service
right away, there is time for thoughtful planning. A memorial mass is
now accepted by the Catholic church.
Multiple
services may be appropriate in some situations--a simple graveside service
for the immediate family at the cemetery "back home," followed
by a memorial service in the community where the deceased more recently
lived. Or one service for co-workers and another for community and friends.
Many funeral
directors will be glad to assist with memorial service planning whether
using the funeral home location or not, but there will be a charge for
such services. However, many families have found it therapeutic and
loving to take charge without the help of a funeral director. Having
something to do takes away the sense of helplessness survivors often
feel at a time of death.
The
Setting
In planning a memorial service, you will probably want to decide whether
a formal service reflects the personality of the deceased more than
an informal one. Warren had church affiliations, so it was logical that
his memorial service was held at his church. Richard had not maintained
his church affiliations, so his wife chose to use a funeral home for
a Masonic rite back in the home state where his ashes will be scattered
or buried. Paul's father spent the last four years of his life in a
retirement community. Because it would have been difficult for many
of his friends to travel, Paul held a memorial service in the activities
room there. Anne's love of art and music made the local art museum the
perfect location for her friends to enjoy a concert in her memory. Mary
Jane was a country-living soul. A hillside gathering amidst the wildflowers
was a perfect setting in which to sit around in jeans and share memories.
Who
Will Come?
You should decide if there will be a public announcement in the newspaper,
whether a written mailing to certain friends and associates seems better,
or whether phone calls and the local "grapevine" will be sufficient
notice.
Who
Will Lead the Service?
Obviously, clergy are likely to be involved with any service in a church,
temple, synagogue, or mosque—the program determined by religious
practice and protocol. You can certainly ask clergy to participate in
a service held elsewhere, too. But even religious services are being
adapted to allow participation from attendees, with people invited to
share their memories and thoughts after the initial service, making
the occasion more memorable.
As for
others who might lead or facilitate a service, the personalities of
the people involved may dictate the best choice. A spouse who is shy
about public speaking would likely defer to an adult son or daughter
who is at ease leading the local Rotary or Girl Scout Jamboree. Maybe
a best friend or sibling could be asked to preside. If several will
participate, it's a good idea for one of them to be designated with
the coordinator's role, to avoid awkward hesitations as to who should
do what next.
It is
always nice to find a role for children to play if the deceased was
a special person in their lives. Handing out flowers or programs can
be managed by even young children or grandchildren. Some may wish to
draw pictures for a memory book.
The
Service Itself
If there are no religious dictates, you may want to pick a theme of
remembrance exemplifying the deceased. Will he be remembered most for
his civic activity or his wild ties and the story behind each? Will
she be remembered for her gardens and charity work or her practical
jokes? Are there favorite readings of the deceased? Bible verses or
Zen philosophy? Poetry? (Ernest Morgan's book Dealing Creatively with
Death has some excellent examples and suggestions.) Did the deceased
leave writings, maybe instructional or inspirational letters a relative
has saved? You could ask friends and relatives to write up a favorite
memory to read aloud or to be read. (Having those vignettes in writing,
too, will mean a lot to a surviving spouse or off-spring after the service.)
Some families may decide to print a formal program for the service,
listing music to be played and the readings to be given, but it is not
necessary.
Music
Beginning the service with music and ending the service with music creates
natural "bookends" for the event. The universal language of
music can be calming, healing, or unifying as people gather, whether
played by community musicians or made available on CD. In this age of
personalization, anything goes—jazz, a Bach organ concerto, a New
Age harp. Attendees are even likely to be forgiving of a grandchild's
imperfect flute rendition of "O Danny Boy" when it's offered
with love.
Photographs
and Memory Books
Shelby found that the pictures displayed at her sister-in-law's memorial
really broke the ice for tearful family and friends as they reminisced
over the hilarious old fashions. You might want to ask friends and relatives
to contribute photos, clippings, awards, or other special mementos that
can be assembled in a memory book for the surviving spouse or family.
Flowers
Barbara's family had potted chrysanthemums decorating the church. The
pots were offered to special friends and relatives to take with them
after the service, to remember Barbara-the-gardener in years to come.
This thoughtfulness shows that this family had thought through the question,
"What will happen to the flowers after the service?"
Refreshments
Sharing food during a bereavement gathering remains a popular practice.
The ladies of the church put on a huge pot-luck supper in the town hall
after one resident's memorial service. But it might be as simple as
iced tea and cookies supplied by the family at an "Open House"
at home or as fancy as a reception at the local inn. One man has asked
for "a cocktail party," and his wife intends to oblige.
A
Memorial Notice
With a mobile and dispersed society, friends and relatives are likely
to be scattered far and wide. They may never see the obituary in a local
paper and may not be able to attend the memorial or funeral service.
Using her mother's Christmas card list, Beth sent out a notice of her
mother's death. Written as a tribute to her mother, Beth listed some
of her mother's remarkable traits and accomplishments. It ended with
suggestions for memorial donations, to causes that her mother supported—peace,
the arts, and education. This sort of card can be easily put together
on a home computer or copied at a local copy shop, including a picture
if one is wanted. A wide choice of nice paper in many colors is available.
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